I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
