so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
