when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
