Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
