If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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