I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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