So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
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Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
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I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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