I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
