I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
