the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
