Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
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Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
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I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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