why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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