i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
