My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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