you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
