Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
