woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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