I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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