My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I need to calm my uterus...
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
