I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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