I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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