She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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