also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
