I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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