a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
