i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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