if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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