I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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