Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
