y did u give ur computer a hand job?
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
My life is pants optional.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
