Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
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