just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
