At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
