I just pynch a tree in the face
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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