I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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