My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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