did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Randomize
