This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
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Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
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Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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