I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
