im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I am midnight drunk by noon
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
