I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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