He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
