I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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