i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
