I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
