do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
