I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
