Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
