She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
