So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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