Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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