Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
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No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
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My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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