I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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