Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
