So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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