I'm so fucking centered right now
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
