What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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