i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
