Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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